Charter Member of FA

I cheat. I should go to FA (Food Anonymous). I’ve been trying to be diligent in my food restrictions, but it’s harder than I thought. In my need to rid myself of these migraines, I have tried to avoid those foods considered dietary triggers.

First of all, no breads are allowed. I LOVE breads. I could have a piece of bread for dessert. Not anymore. Many fruits are now absent from our grocery list. I was the goofball who ordered the fruit plate when we went out, not to lose weight but I simply like fruits. I can eat most green vegetables but can’t have salad dressing. The majority of dairy products are forbidden. PLUS, chocolate can no longer pass my lips. Oh, woe is me!

MSG is a major culprit that is hard to avoid. It’s in surprisingly a huge variety of foods. If a product says natural flavoring, natural colors, low fat or low calorie, you can count on MSG being present.

So, I have to admit that I have turned into a closet cheater. For Valentine’s Day, I was good with my meal. I even reluctantly gave my hubby the garlic breadstick with only a minimal amount of tears and screams. I sat salivating away while he bit into that warm roll. So when it came to dessert time, we ordered one of those big chocolate chip cookies covered with ice cream and chocolate sauce. A smiling waitress placed this scintillating dessert in the middle of our table. She provided two spoons then exited with one single word, “Enjoy!”

All of my inhibitions dashed away as I grabbed my spoon and glared at my husband. After all, he ate my breadstick. The chocolate slid down my throat in utter decadence. I fought off Bob’s spoon to claim ownership of the warm cookie dripping in chocolate syrup. This dessert was mine! I had earned it! I allowed him to have the whipped cream since that was my least favorite part of this heavenly dessert. I felt like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

When I got my haircut just a few hours ago, I spied free cookies on a tray across the room. I flew across the room, knocking down two seniors with tiny rollers and blue hair. I grabbed my cookie and sank to the floor, hiding under the plastic cape used to drape my shoulders while I got shampooed. Life was good.

Please wish me well on this unusual diet. Bob has forbidden me to grocery shop as he fears what will happen if I spotted a pineapple, candy bar or cinnamon roll. He has padlocked my hands in the futile attempt to keep me faithful to my new diet.

I will also gladly accept any care packages oozing with chocolate. If I get a head start, I am sure I could run faster than Bob. I’m in training now for opening boxes while running a 50-yard dash. I can’t be denied much longer.

Advantage of The Mighty Three

• People underestimate your speed.