No Mirrorball Trophy for Me

I heard from my pain doctor’s office yesterday with the news that my insurance agreed to my “neurostimulator”. That word almost needs to be stated in a rich baritone to get the full effect. It brings images of a mixture of Frankenstein and robotic technology. What am I getting myself into?

The first surgery will be next Wednesday and take approximately two hours. The developer of the unit sends over a member of their staff to then train me on how to use my new remote. I imagine if I were a male, I wouldn’t need any help learning how to use a remote control since testosterone perfects quicker button pushing. I just hope not to lose it on our couch.  I wonder if the doctors can attach some Velcro to my chest so I won’t misplace the durn thing.

Backing up with a little explanation, some leads will be placed near my lumbar nerves and along my groin. When either of those areas is bugging me, I give myself a little zap, which will hopefully interfere with any pain sensations. I wonder who dreams this stuff up. It will feel somewhat like a TENS unit. Now I will truly have a reason for a bad hair day.

My second surgery will be dependent on the success of this neurostimulator. They now even are starting to implant these units along the cranium to provide some migraine relief, but that is not even in the discussion stages for me. I am having difficulties fathoming what that would feel like though.  Think about it and your forehead is guaranteed to furrow. I’m getting used to needles very close to my spinal column, but messing with what little brain I have left might be pushing it.

My niece is getting married just three days after my surgery. I am not planning on earning those coveted 10’s from Len, Carrie Ann or Bruno, but I crave to be able to stay and enjoy the special celebration. My little grandsons will hopefully be dancing up a storm bringing special memories my way. I hate to miss any time with them, particularly when their visit will be so short so my fancy purse will hold a lipstick, credit card and remote. What else is needed?

Prayers are still needed because I admit this whole idea seems somewhat surreal. I’m ready for anything and pray that this will also help extinguish some of my aches and pains. Keep me posted on sales on batteries.

God Uses My Chronic Pain to Convince Me that Life is Good:

     -  I get to start a new fashion trend with a remote tied around my neck.